Finding Value in the Journey

“Just because something doesn’t do what you planned it to do doesn’t mean it’s useless.” ~ Thomas Edison

Over the past week, I've had a series of thought-provoking conversations that, upon reflection, boil down to the idea of journey vs. destination.

When we are caught up in life, and have expectations of what we think that should be or look like, we are often frustrated by the process. What we forget is that life truly is about the journey.

When we look at our lives, we are so judgmental. Especially to ourselves. Seeing our choices as bad, or mistakes, views them through a dark lens that is designed to make us feel small and demoralized. What if we could take all of our so-called mistakes and learn to view them as opportunities to learn?

I am especially aware of this as I watch a friend from childhood endure a series of painful break-ups, as he gives and gives and gives to one woman after another, and they pull out his heart, toss it to the ground and step on it with their stiletto heels. (Just a good visual image, not particular commentary on the type of woman I'm describing.)

And so, finally, I ask him of the last relationship, "Why do you put up with her treating you badly?"

"Because I love her. I love her unconditionally."

"Fine. Love her. Wish her the best as she heals. But don't stand in the road and wait for her to run you over as she self-destructs."

"So you think I'm weak?"

"Only you can answer that. What is weakness and what is strength can sometimes only be self-defined. But if you're fighting all the time, then the relationship isn't working. There comes a time when you need to draw a line in the sand that says, 'I love you, I will always love you, and I will do anything to make you happy, just so long as your happiness does not come at the expense of my own, or of my integrity.' And understand that if the relationship doesn't work out, it's because the two of you don't work well together, and you take responsibility for the parts that you contribute to its not working, and be honest with yourself about what she contributes. Without blame."

"You mean, I deserve more from her?"

"Well, yes. But you also deserve more from yourself. And you deserve to love yourself enough to walk away from something that's not working, because you know it's not working. You're not going to respect yourself in this relationship, and neither is she."

Of course, the next challenge - and all of these are huge challenges - is to be able to look at these relationships as opportunities to learn. For him, rather than berating himself for not being able to keep a relationship together, or for not being the man that this woman could love, perhaps the lesson he needs to learn is how to be in a good relationship. Or how to be good in a relationship - your best Self, your most authentic Self, respectful to Self and to your mate.

And so, now, he starts the process over again. I hope he begins feeling more empowered, more understanding of the lessons he's learning, more gentle with Self for making what he considers poor choices.

So I tell him, "Be the person you want to find."

And forgive yourself for having to endure the painful experience of not being that person to start with. And (yes, I know, it's so much easier to write this than to live it), greet the dread of heading out of the relationship with at least an attempt to consider it a blessing - opening up space to find a woman who will love you for who you are, with whom you are better matched, and who is healthier to begin with.

Understand that going through the journey allows you to learn the lessons that attracts that mate, a healthier mate, into your life, because you yourself are in the right place to accept it.

May we all have the courage, the compassion, and the love of Self to reframe our lives as lessons we're learning as we go along, and to forgive ourselves for all the so-called mistakes we think we've made.

I'm trying. This is not easy for me, either, because I have high expectations for myself and I get angry and frustrated when I perceive that I've missed a self-imposed 'mark'. I revisit moments in my past when I feel like I've failed, and I relive the shame and guilt as if it were happening today.

But even I'm getting better. When those memories rise up, I try to remind myself that there was some blessing in having experienced it (even if I can't for the life of me comprehend what it might have been). I see myself in that moment and I imagine me, today, giving the Self in that moment a hug. A hug full of the love, compassion and forgiveness that sometimes seems hard to find from anyone else, and especially from myself.

It's a step in the right direction. I think it's making a difference.